the fourth trimester

The thank-you note real moms in the fourth trimester would like to send:

Dear Friends,

Thanks for sending us the presents. I'm sure Erja will love it as soon as she can do anything besides eat. sleep, cry and run up the stock price on Pampers. Having recently entered the Fourth Trimester, right now my goals in life are to sleep more than three hours and shower before 7:00 p.m. So please excuse this impersonal note.

I'd live for you to come over and see Erja. But no helpful hints, no critiquing of the fact that:-

1. breast-feed without a cover-up;
2. do not breast-feed and formula;
3. allow my child us a pacifier; and
4. use a Swynho-matic to hypnotize my child into a state eerily similar to an Ecstasy trip

Do not tell me that Erja looks cute. I know that she looks like a cross between E.T. and Yoda. And no comments about my figure. I am not Cindy Crawford or J Lo and, yes, those are maternity clothers I'm still wearing.

Bring rain gear and you'll be well prepared for the nonstop torrent of liquid escaping from Erja and me. Can't wait to see you-of course, these days I'm even looking forward to having my mom and mother-in-law visit. I'll take whatever adult company I can get.

Love and kisses from me and the pumpkin!