Sometimes, friend ask me whether hundred per cent honesty is possible in a marriage, even the best, most trusting one. The truthful answer is: "NO". And to that short response, I'd like to add a footnote: Is it even necessary?
Women frequently complain that they feel like complete hypocrites, lying their way through thirty, thirty-five, forty years of matrimony. We often pretend to like something we don't, we laugh at jokes that aren't funny, we are nice to in-laws when we hate them, we tolerate friends we cannot understand, we wear clothes that please our men, we behave in ways so totally put on, it's a wonder we don't get caught. And what's worse, we fake orgasms... [thank God, I'm don't have to].
Hypocrisy is a dangerous word. Know why? It's a little too open-ended and vague. Who decides what's hypocritical, what isn't? It's all in the interpretation. Which person is not a little less than sincere occasionally? So long as you are aware of your own reasons for doing what you're doing, smiling or cooing or even saying things that are a bit iffy in their genuineness, it's a harmless game. It's only when the game goes out of control and grows into a nasty habit that it has the potential to actually hurt your marriage.
I strongly believe that it isn't necessary for either to "confess all" before committing to each other. What does the "confessional" achieve, besides causing hurt, pain and suspicion? It's enough that the couple pledge to be true and honest about their feelings towards each other once they formalise the relationship. Flashbacks providing nitty-gritties of past affairs do not serve any purpose. It's past. Love notes, letters, other memorabilia associated with ex-es should be promptly destroyed, signaling the beginning of a new life with a new partner. Yes, your future husband or wife should not remain in the dark about past relationships. At the same time, gory details needn't be paraded - unless the new relationship is based on negative feelings of jealousy, powerplay and possessiveness.
I remember talking about this subject with a friend. He said,
"Men are highly possessive by nature. It's very difficult for them to accept the fact that their wife may have had a relationship with another man in the same way - even if it was years ago. A wise woman should place her cards on the table just once and then make no further reference to her past. The same rule applies to a wise man."
I said,
"But how many wise men are there?"
Anyway, he had a point, but the annoying truth about this delicate issue is that love and passion do not recognise reason and rationality. People feel what they feel - you can't talk anyone out of an emotion even if it sounds absurd to you. Nothing is invalid when it comes to matters of the heart. But sensitivity is something you can train yourself to acquire, provided you care enough about your partner.
What's wrong with complimenting your partner, maybe even exaggerating a little? Who doesn't respond positively to the two magic words : well done? Even pet dogs and Erja does. A husband who pays compliments is not an idiot, not all his compliments necessarily fake or insincere. Maybe he wants his wife to feel happy; maybe he thinks it will improve her mood [if she's in a bad one]; maybe he's looking for sex later - so what? If his intentions are positive, a little exaggeration is acceptable.
Nothing evil or manipulative about that. It's only when hypocrisy gets out of hand and becomes a pattern in marriage that trouble starts. When you feel one thing and project the opposite.
So, some points to thing about:
- Harmless hypocrisy is OK. Manipulative hypocrisy is not.
- An occasional white lie doesn't hurt.
- Tell-all confessions about ex-es serve no purposed; they only cause hurt.
- Praise [with some acceptable exaggeration] is preferable to criticism.
